piano lessons can be murder

when i cant think straight and my life seems surreal like a dream, i write lists. today i wrote a list. i wrote list upon list upon list. i have to redesign my life, become self actualised. i paint my nails black and sit cross legged in the city and take photos of brick walls. I play with fire because im reckless, and i want, more than anything, to get burnt. Something to jolt me into the reality i never found. i take everything for granted. i light candles and wear flowy dresses while i sleep in the middle of the field with long grass behind my house. I say things i never should have said, because i take it for granted that i can get out of it. i run in the morning for a long long time. i run so much that i collapse, and it makes me happy. i just have all this frustration in me that i have to get rid of. i drink iced tea and put rose petals with my ice blocks. I need to open my windows and write more lists. ill put my books in a row on my desk, neatly and in a basic colour scheme. i shall stop dreaming about fields and dresses and hotels and love and walking on air.i will drink coffee instead of iced tea, and read books about countries instead of notes from a teenage underground. i dust my things with a feather duster and its fun, i organise the magnets on the fridge so they take up only a small space. i turn off my lisa mitchell album, and exit tumblr. i shall write my lists and stick them on my walls. i will read proverbs and follow the right path. i need to start over, and this time, i need to do it right.