19.7.10

i want to be nothing. to throw my head back towards the sky and feel the night air kissing every inch of my skin. to be refreshed, renewed, to stand under an unfamiliar sky where i float along as  if a ghost. weight is no longer a number, because what are numbers to one who knows only of the breeze? a world full of achievements never made and hopes which were dashed would simply fall away from beneath me, no longer pulling me back to the ground. i could spread wings weaved from a spiders web and float accross the night's sky. and you wouldn't even remember me. because i am nothing.

down the street i'm the girl next door.

all the times we shared, the decisions we thought would matter. Walking down the street; surrounded by material, all we cared about was each other. The taste doesn't matter, the cotton wrapped around your frame means little in the end. Because it was the soft beat of your heart, the distance between us that was never more than a few inches, the vision of open hearts bleeding out into the air, telling each other things that words alone cannot portray. It's not the colour of my nail polish they will remember, nor the cracking of the plastic cover on your new cd case. Its us, it's the feeling of the unknown, that hesistant step before the cliff face. You and i, and everything that makes up what we are.

didn't you know the queen never deals her best card until last? Somehow you got the impression that i didn't play anymore. That i would just sit on the sidelines and watch you swing your hips to freedom. well, you might have three things in your favour. but none of them are important. feel free to run all the same, i'll be right behind you.

dream a little dream of me. remember the spindly legged girl with the stupid daisy chain weaved as a crown around her head? i'm walking alone this time, nobody on the sidelines, no little house to crawl towards in my deepest moments of misery. music bubbles underneath me, spinning out in ribbons everytime my feet hit the gravel, like a creek beneath the world, somehow taking me with it. There is only so long you can play the pretence game, but i'm doing my best to drag it out now. sweet slides on my stereo, sugar coated dreams above my pillow, well i have a small habit of falling into wonderland when i can't face the sky above me now. You remember me right? i always have to ask, you know. i'm impossible to forget, but kind of hard to remember. the music below makes me dizzy, it's more like a pounding now. a sea of sounds of voices. a language that seems like english, i think i understand, and then i realise it means nothing to me. put me in the outsider box, at least there's no pretending games. cobbled streets and dark roads, i'm finally back where i belong, walking these empty pathways. once again i am alone, never someone by my side, always always alone.

i know that what i want is wrong. i know that the thoughts that claw at my insides, desperate for a say, will eventually take hold of me. It's an obcession, every time i look in the glass i feel it stir inside me. I can taste my own disgust rising. fashion is the healthiest motivation, well i'm motivated by fashion then. it's a healthy problem. I can't let her beat me, i can't let anyone beat me. i can feel it underneath my fingertips, so soft, so horrible. I want to tear it to pieces and never let it ever happen again, but i can't. I don't want to fight these thoughts, i want to embrace it. i dream of fasting, i dream of having nothing ever again. I tell others not to think like this. i'm a hypocrite. I want this badly, i want to be nothing.

may the games begin.

face it, the friendship part is real. but so is the competition. this never ending battle behind closed doors, each one glossing their hair in earnest, trying to out gloss the other. you're perfection, you are the stars whereas i am the dirt beneath your heels. well i will not lose, i shall not go down without a fight. friendship is fair, you are my queen. but i will not play joker forever, it may be a battle of self control with myself, but i shall win. i will not be outfoxed by someone who hoestly thinks they can beat me. truth is, i never lose.

18/14/10

after a while, my monotone rambling about life and death becomes passe, or similar to that of a broken cassete or muffled headphones. for a fresher, more upbeat perspective on a much more interesting subject, i created a fashion blog.
www.fashionforcherie.blogspot.com
it's new, a little tarnished- although not due to time nor effort, and my commentary is still persistent throughout, but for those of you who are brave enough to soldier on into the world of kell, follow me.

For those seeking the more sophisticated side of me, here is my fashion blog. created recently, so not overflowing with brilliance as of yet, but in the process. love it or leave it.
www.fashionforcherie.blogspot.com

kudos xoxo

wolves play a different game altogether

velvet skies torn down and replaced with black lace, contaminated innocence disguised in white dresses; as pure as the driven mud. dark thoughts sit on the edge of everyday reason, inching us slowly towards the perimeter of our thoughts, towards those last resorts we once thought would never be necessary. the star studded skies cradled in their glory are now simply millions of reminders, brought home by the fact that once upon a time you wished you could be were you are now. and the crushing realisation that childhood dreams are one thing, and reality is suprisingly another. well the dust and dirt tastes almost as bad as what you think of me now, the trail i left behind, something for you to see each day and feel the agonising heat of each word i spat at you. the words that burned into your skin, sinking through your flesh and mixing in with the blood that circles your precious little heart.

the feeling of nothing, the absense of hatred, the absense of love. well they were gone from me, and i missed them dearly. i wanted to be able to reach outside of my golden box where i was everything i wanted and nothing else stood in my way, i wanted to reach outside that box and take the feelings that were destined to be mine. pity i didnt take self control. because i have those feelings now. but the world tipped on its side, the spinning is beginning to make my stomach churn. the signs

actually i dont know why im trying to make what i have to say sound any better than it is. im a hundred percent evil and going to hell. the end.

well id like it back. i want to go back and make myself care. its not a decision that you can make for me. when you could, you didnt. so now i have to sit here and contemplate the fact that the fairytale life seductively calling from the pages of nylon and vogue are nothing more than dreams. pathetic dreams, likened to that of a lowly schoolgirl consumed in befriending the higher class inhabiting the playground. well im not after joining any clubs, im not about to sell my sell for shoes and perfume- but it would be nice to have the choice, you know?

31/3/10

oh to be immersed on the living. those exhilarating moments snatched between enforced supervision, drunk on that childhood state of happiness, of fulfilled dreams and hello kisses. pretty things that make up the atmosphere, that snow globe that never stops raining snowflakes down upon the rugged up porcelain child trapped in the glass world. oh to breathe life into the dead, the sound of beating hearts in the cemetry. you and i, the sound you make in the back of your throat when you yawn, the chipped polsh adorning my uncut nails. spinning in the dark, sneaking along gravel driveways, reading notes in oak trees meant for someone else. the wail of the siren, the sound of footsteps pounding the overpass- that realisation of waking up somewhere you never meant to be. To go back to the dead, to return to the still cases where glazed eyes stare unseeingly into dirt and pebbles. i guess nobody understands what i'm saying, the words i speak make no sense to those who listen. well hear when i say i'm going somewhere you cannot follow.

the pleasure is mine.

its all cliches and meaningless resolutions. unrealistic dreams spill from the lips of over-optimistic, stereotypical children, still in that bubble wrapped phase of life where nothing is unachievable. i recall similar times, of immersing myself in hundreds of books, day after day, drinking in emotive words and turning language into visions in my mind. oh, i was going to paint scenes of angsty, love starved girls dissapearing into a world where clouds crossed an unfamiliar sky and fantasy became reality. stories of young men trying to break out of routine, their last chance attempts at proving themselves to that unseen authority, that dream of becoming iconic, memorable. oh and those stories do exist, they are simply unwritten. Because, my friends, the story doesn't always follow the storyline that you plan, instead weaving and crossing in every other possible direction, knocking down hope-filled hearts, placing black ink crosses over possible futures, and running through those unnavoidable red lights. oh life, the harsh ruins and dissapointments that come with it, enough to encourage the strongest of minds to retreat into the corner. life, oh the hopes it dashes, the toll it takes. Eager, keen little hearts blazing with ideas and creativity, only to be forced back into nothingness, where they remain still and unblinking as they ponder the wreck that is their planned out, all american dream lives. it's all just a glittery exterior,isn't it? that dress that turns out to look so much better on the hanger.well is it all part of growing up? is having your visions anihilated some sort of crash test before adulthood? That alice-in-wonderland feeling of your entire world being turned upside down, is that detrimental to ones growth? surely one would be wiser to be a cynic from the beginning?

imminent heartache

oh its all bottled up inside me. spilling out of my limbs, painting my insides with vibrant red. the same blood that was in me when we were last together. its a bit of nothing, but at the same time, its the world over. its absoloutely everything. and i dont even want it anymore. i want to tie you up and fill your pockets with stones. then i shall throw you in the ocean. lets play a game. its called swimming with the fishes. ill let you go first shall i? and then when you're skin is cold and your insides washed out with water, then you can tell me i'm too red. that my skin no longer has appeal.from the dust i was raised and to the dust i shall return. but you won't. oh i will come and sit with you in the water. ill hold your hand as you stop breathing. you'll look at me with urgent eyes, and it's okay, cos i understand. i have the power and you don't. its sad really. at any point i can choose to save you. i could give you the air that your pathetic lungs crave so desperately. but i wont. something tells me, that you wouldn't mind swapping places with me at all anymore.

juxtaposition. 9/11

it's the art of the unknown. that split second moment before you jump out of the sky, that feeling of not knowing whether your choice is wrong or right, but choosing not to care. its dazzling white lights that settle in your mind, the feeling of wet grass underneath your feet as you spin in circles on the sand. tiny raindrops melt the ice that is the world and suddenly i'm swimming in my hopes and wishes. i don't drown coz in my head i know it's only a dream, the white powder lining my throat is playing games with me, nothing is real. shells play music and it's a song ive heard a long time ago, but i just cant place it. somewhere quiet underneath a table of phone books is where i heard it, with the phone cord dangling in front of me like a ribbon in front of a cat. and thats what i wanted to be, til i was six. a little cat who had the freedom i have now. to drink magic and to play cards with animals that talk. some people don't understand me. its because i'm not real. it's my essense, i am unnatainable like the wind. i don't play games except with myself. for the mist rises each day and takes me away with it. when you shut your eyes at night thats when i come out. i am with you in the darkness always. but you never know when youre awake. coz when you wake i disappear. gone, until you next close your eyes. and the whole time, im on the brink of your mind. youre thinking about something lovely in a secret world and youre thinking about me at the same time, but you cant quite put the two together. there's a veil over your eyes, but it's just me weaving lace across the world. tieing it up in a big bow like a ribbon. presentable, see the world is now a ten out of ten. ill leave you with a scoreboard and a pencil, then i am gone again. unknown, dissapeared. the uncut agony of a broken heart, the searing pain of cutting out my lungs. it's ok, i don't need to breathe. i breathe through my skin. my skin's lit up and my fingers tremble, but the air seeps through my pores infilitrating my blood. give me a ten out of ten like the world. im hanging from the sky, my heart is on a train somewhere, my words are locked in caged bubbles floating across the universe. i am nothing but my very self. my flesh. i have no soul. my mind is worthless. my heart feels nothing but coldness. its a coldness i cannot wake up from. and that makes me scared.

i hope we all die soon. whats even the point of being alive.

13.2.10

when you feel so lost that you cant see what is before you. when you get what you want, but never what you need. i feel like sometimes what you imagine to be worse, would often be the more ideal situation. its playing a game with someone a lot more powerful than yourself. i don't know what drives me on. my wardrobe full of lace dresses, the classics on my bookshelves. the words that spill from my mouth are dated and unheard of. i don't need another reason to be mocked. but you suprise me. im not with the times, i read the paper, i pour the milk into cream jugs and serve it on the table with candles so it looks pretty. i am not you. i am not anybody really. just me. and i don't hide who i am, or what i'm like. i do not cover up my faith or my values. i'm not lost, but i can see that you are. you ask me questions that only authority could answer. i'm sorry that i am not an angel, sent to help restructure your life. i'd re-build it with books and make a tunnel out of magazines. i would stack picture frames on top of each other til they reached the sky, or hang glass decorations from my ceiling. that would help me if i was you. that would make me smile. but i'm not you. and you're not me. im the girl that sits in an empty room, but in my head im somewhere beautiful where nothing hurts. if you tell yourself something often enough you start to believe it after a while. so my word is beautiful. maybe you should try it.

6.2.10

we can't keep hiding forever. i know that people know. you are inside my head, mixing up my words and making my eyes shine. its obvious. time could and did eventually tell. but we're still waiting. everything is this never ending process, and im losing life while i wait. but i will never stop waiting. not when it comes to this. this is my everything, my entire world. it all lies in your hands. yours to do whatever you like with. please look after my heart. i said i didn't care, i said i didn't want it. well i lied. i do care, but i still don't want it. only because i kinda like the fact that its yours. im not going to hide any longer, i will wait as obviously as it becomes. because you have me in a chokehold, and your charms have snaked around my waist pulling me into your lair. well i confess. its fun here. not that ive taken my eyes off you to notice whats around us, but im sure its lovely.

3.2.10

i am so lost here. ive been folded like a piece of paper. scribbled on then shoved in your pocket. remember when i was with you for real? and it was that moment of pure content, hearts open and eyes bleeding our emotions out into the air. not solo, never hands in our laps, head hanging down. open, in the sky, life blazing colour and happiness. thats how i am, its me. its you. its everything that has made us up. but what do i do when youre gone? when its just me, in the black and white room that has no feeling? my life is no longer splashed on the wall. you and i only exist in my mind. i need something to hold onto, something other than memories to cling to like a boat in water when everything else is pulled out from unde my feet. its supposed to be love, i am supposed to be glowing. i feel like someone snatched out my heart and beat it against the rocks. this is just hurt. because youre not here. im begging you. please dont leave me on my own.

2.2.10

its lovely and white and theres nothing else to stop me from feeling this away. its like breathing again after minutes of locking the air up inside your chest. i don't care if you don't like her. you cant categorize her okay, she's in my world. not yours. you dont know how i feel. they are all i have. i cant keep on like this. im walking down the road alone, and yeah i really do feel lonely. no music sofly echoing my footsteps, nobody special waiting for me that moment i step into the world each day. when im with them everything is pretty. life shines like the night. dont tell me i cant see him. dont tell me youre not a fan of her. theyre so precious. just please let me be.

28.01.10

sometimes i feel like a box with a million different compartments. one for my love, one for my sadness, one for my jealousy, one for my hate etc. everytime one of these emotions is pulled into play i imagine opening the lid of that one little box and letting out whatever feeling i have. sometimes, my love pours out easily. i don't even get a chance to fully spring the catch on the lid before it comes overflowing over the sides and spreading through all the rest of me, flowing into other compartments through the cracks, diluting my other emotions. hate is different its sits in its box, simmering away, the box a personal sauna. even if im happy, cloud nine even, that particular box is always hot, boiling away, threatening to burst open the lid and burn my insides with its rage. usually i feel in control, the one who puts these feelings in their boxes, and if i wish- put them away again. well you're defying my logic. you make me feel something i cant even label. it wont even stay in its box. it doesnt even have a box. when youre around, my love comes spilling out, washing through me, streaming into my blood, my ligaments, my bones, til im saturated in it. you become my everything. and then you say the words i hate with the meanings they imply, while you smile your cruel smile and the hate in me is like an inner explosion. hot, white rage blinds my vision, leaves me short of breath and send messages to my legs and arms about inflicting damage to you. i feel like you've come along and broken every single clasp, one by one, on my compartment boxes. my feelings don't stay locked up anymore. they don't just sit in their boxes. they flow out into me, mingling and intertwining until they are a mixture of every possible emotion and its simply indescribable. all i know is it makes me feel like i do now. like i want to scream, so i whisper. i feel hot, yet im cold. i love you, yet im so angry. what have you done to me?

21.01.10

i wish you away. this isn't stepford wives, we're not living in a perfect little utopia. every maiden doesn't have to be a carbon copy of the person they love. i am not you, and you sure as hell aren't me. i don't like going to the newsagent and seeing you buy the same magazines as me. when i leave notes in the willow tree by the lake, i don't want to see your handwriting scrawled in the bark. i'm not a follower, but i dont want to be a leader, becasue i'm sick of having followers. It's late, go home to bed. to your mother and your father, the ones that encourage you to be yourslelf. if you don't have a chinese laundromat, dont tell me you go there at night. don't be me. i don't try to be you right? i know you say you dont follow the crowd, but don't follow me either. i wish you far far far away, like star wars. but i bet you love that too. you are everything i hate, even though you act like me. go home now, tuck yourself into bed, and when you wake up, be yourself.

12.11.09

i wish i could press rewind and go back to before. like way back where we didn’t have lights even though i love lightswitches, but right back to where people carried candles around to see in the dark. and there were vintage doorhandles and everything. dinner every night would be a lovely affair with lace tableclothes and pretty crystal. they would dress up to come to the table and would say thankyou mother and kiss on the cheek alot. coz people’ cared back then, you know? they had class.

21.01.10

well you couldn't understand. to know someone thats always out of touch, always around the corner. they are everything and nothing all at once. i know i'm just a link in a chain, i know i'm not there with you. but i miss you like i cant even understand. being with you is magical, its like we go to our secret place where only we exist, amongst the fairies and the unreal. with ribbons in our hair and diamonds instead of eyes, everything we touch explodes. we spin late at night in the woods, white dresses winding round our wrists and flowing out in every other direction. breathing glitter and chanting fireflies, we see into a different realm. there are eyes on our skin, air seeps in through our transparent flesh and we are pulsing with life from every pore. whispering in the dark while we hold hands and dance in the long grass, weaving silk scarves behind us.lying on the earth, in the silence, while the air blows on our faces, the dew of the ground clinging to red lips and glossy hair. Long spindly legs climbing the oak trees, as we fill gumnuts with glitter and nail pictures to logs, sealed with smudged lipstick kisses. there are lanterns in the trees, and citronella burns out into the night, winding a spell, enchanting every living breathing thing in all the land. chanting psalms and ancient poetry, we make drinks in our treehouse. iced tea and rose petals clinking together in frosted glasses, filling us with everything we ever wanted to be. building us up from the inside, burning, fizzing up out of our lungs and into the air, painting words in the sky for everyone to see. and everyone knows, but they don't understand. they can't see what it's like to be the wind, to spin until the world is dark and hazy. we are like lights in the mist, white dresses flimsy and floating in the breeze. we see underneath the ground, past the weaving roots and vines, we know the words written under the earth. we know the stories and the tiny fingerprints printed along tree branches. we know because we wrote them there. dancing we wade into the lake, sitting on the wooden gazebo, swinging our legs in rythmn through the water. the lockets around our necks dangle noiselessly, pointing towards our hearts,the ones we keep locked up inside our chests. it's like a song, our words are like tinkling music, our laughs like windchimes. it's impossible to comprehend, only the fireflies understand, as they watch in the dark, two girls living in make believe. but we're here now, and it's real, clearer than glass. and if you look really hard through the cracks, you might just see us.

17.12.09

lets pretend we're back at the beginning. Before i knew that black didn't always mean black. Before i tried to replace you, before i tried to fit into the background, become the wind. I was just a little girl sitting in a teacup, you had cats eyes and a lion in your bed. Who were you to tell me i didn't belong? At least i found my way. Not where i thought i would, it wasn't hidden in the words. it was hidden in me. i just had to find it. you weren't accepted, not by me. You were still there, i was just undecided. I know now that you're just not replaceable. But i tried, i tried to poke my life back through the keyhole you had created, and i drank of the glass that said drink me. Poison doesn't matter, it doesn't call my name. Neither do you anymore. Because it's not before. It's now, here. We're breathing. together .And it's real, but i wish it wasn't. Because i accepted you finally, but the power lies in your response. And i'm scared you'll say no. i'm thinking that maybe Alice isn't in Wonderland anymore.

i need you, the one who doesn't ignore me when i feel this way. I feel stranded, and i can't tell anymore if i'm coming or i'm going. nothing is how i planned it, it's like i have a key to the door of my life, but it's just not opening. I find myself in the strangest places these days, my patience in you, in everyone, it just winds down faster than i knew it could. You're the only one who knows me, and who doesn't ignore that i'm fading away. my colors turned to shades, i feel like all the seasons got mixed up and i'm travelling through different worlds every day. Except the world has stayed the same. it's just me. i need you to tell me what to do, someone to explain why my life has turned out like this. I'm all mixed up, and it feels like i'm going through life standing on my head. i miss you when i'm in the fabric shop, i miss you when i'm making toasted sandwiches, i miss you when i'm at adventure world, i miss you when i'm under the water at walter point. I mmiss you always, and its draining me of what it felt like to have my life in my own hands. i can't control my life when i feel like this. you control it. because i belong to you. but that's no good if youre not here is it?

20.01.10

I feel like i'm lost. floating out to sea. i've had my mind on other things, and never even noticed how far i had drifted away from the shore. i don't have anything. or anyone. not here, with me. All i have is what is in my head, the thoughts and small voices that are a constant buzz in the back of my mind, always there. Two people in this world. That i care about, the ones that make me smile. Of course they live forever away, miles and miles, further away from the shore than i am. I'm so far i feel like sinking. the silence of the deep is magnetising, and sometimes i catch myself thinking that maybe to dissappear wouldn't be so bad. to be cold and unfeeling. At least there would be no loneliness. nothing compared to the way i feel now. It's like my heart can only handle a tiny bit of pressure, it must be treated with care. And right now i feel like my heart has been put in the washing machine. being tumbled around, thrown up against the metal doors, being hit from every side. Well i'll take it out. here, have my heart. two people in this world. and theyre not here. with me. My heart doesn't want to know anymore. so have it. hang it on the washing line, paint it with silver glitter and hang it on your christmas tree. i don't care. and i won't ever again if i give my heart away. so here.i don't want it anymore. because all i feel is hurt. the way i miss them. its yours now. consider it a gift.