mace spray

- boy and bear
- three green teas in the last hr oh well
- i feel like i'm trying so much harder in all my friendships than they are trying with me
-i fucking need to see her
-i'm so ocd about my nails, i can't let them chip the tiniest bit or i want to cry
-why does food even exist
-i'm so mad at myself for being weak
-i need to excercise
-i wish i could eat salad all the time
-i know it's in the past, but moving on is so hard sometimes
-perfection is just never going to be achieved
-i want it to be summer already
-i go to europe in a week
-i want to be thin for europe
-i want people to stare at me and envy my control
-i miss skins
it's not even summer but it's fucking hot in my bedroom all the time oh my word

i

i'm starting over. It's so comforting to look in the mirror and see the last shreds of the old me slipping away. I've been a little lost lately, to say the least, but i've finally found my way back.  The agony of feeling inadequate isn't something that just dissapears. It might lay low for a while, wallowing in the shadows, but it's always there, waiting for a chance to rear its pretty head and wind it's alluring noose around my throat. This time though, i'm going to dedicate myself, shed the insecure skin of times past and truly come out on top.

S I N K I N G

dream a little dream of me

- i had berry tea and green tea all day today, to distract myself from food
-i fucked up and ate toast and yoghurt anyway
- i'm proper annoyed at how i never paint my nails anymore
- i ditched my best friend at a party tonight
-i cried in a carfull of people tonight and i was just looking out the window hoping they wouldn't notice
-i've been coughing again jfgh my illness is back
-he didn't put xx's on the end of his msgs for the first time ever
-i thought i lost my phone for like 10 mins and i wanted to die
-my cat doesn't love me anymore i swear
-i tried to focus in church but all i could think about was getting a tan
-i miss her
-i sat in a bathtub and for some reason doing something stupid made me happy
- i really want some grapes and some watermelon idk
- i need to be healthy and excercise more so i feel cleaner and sadder//better
-i must be the only person in the world that is happier being sad
-i wish my hair was fucking lavender already
-i go to europe in like 25 days and im scared of my best friend and everyone finding other people they like more than me while im gone
-i wish i'd not had yoghurt this morning, i really do
-my old best friend slept with his ex gf tonight. why why why
-twitter has automatically updated to the new version ew
-im going to bed because i'm tired and there are actual rings under my eyes sigh
-i really fucking crave grapes or grapefruit omg

07/08/11

what the actual fuck is wrong with me. I managed to screw up the two good things i have going for me both in one night. I feel like the world is moving around me, spinning faster and faster, yet i'm stuck in the same place, immobile. I hate myself and what i've become with this raging passion. I want to dig my nails underneath the skin on my body and just shred it to bits. I don't though. I stay still and i just breathe in and out, over and over. Despite the cold, i have the fan on, so i'm shivering continuously. I don't turn it off though, i do it to myself on purpose. Some kind of fucked up punishment for being the person that i am. Sometimes, if i want to really scare myself, i'll think of before. Of how it used to be. Of how fucking close i was with the two of them and now how many oceans apart we are. It's terrifying. The distance between us. How i'm so far away now, maybe too far away to be saved when everything comes crashing down on me. The fan whirls faster, the rickety sound of the blades become a torturous metronome in my head until all i can feel is the blood whooshing through my veins, pounding beneath my temples and punishing me with every wave of pain. It's like i'm sinking.

i built a home for you

i'm so uncomfortable with everything going on around me right now. It's kind of difficult to explain, but i miss being sad. When i'm sad, i have control. When i'm unhappy, i sink back into my true self. Control over what i eat, i can write freely, i fall back into my excessive internet usage, listening to the music that only i listen to, taking pictures of everything i see, reading thinspiration blogs, talking to my old best friend. Idk, i've been so swept up in everything recently, i'm barely home. I know spending less time on the internet doesn't seem like a bad thing, that going out with friends proper loads isn't exactly dragging me down, but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable, like i'm pretending. Its one thing to go out and smile and have a great time, but the control just leaves me. My individuality literally just seeps from my skin, falling away into nothingness. Laughing with my best friend, kissing someone i'm seeing, running at the gym, prancing about at work, it all genuinely feels like the biggest facade. I'm waiting for someone to come and burst the balloon so i can sink back into my indescribable sadness, my aching loneliness, my excessive tumblr use. It all sounds so miserable, but i crave it. The patheticness of it all that inspires me, reaches out it's spindly fingers and gives me control. Idk, i don't enjoy being happy.

casiotone for the painfully alone

you call me perfect and i don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain the agony and raging self loathing that lies beneath my skin. It's not even like i'm pretty on the outside and all the ugliness and hatred is hidden away. It's all out there for everyone to see. My snaggled hair, my dull skin. freckles peppered unevenly accross my nose. Eyes too cloudy, eyelashes too short. Ears too small, nails too thin. Skin too pale, torso too short. Legs not long enough, thighs too big. Hips untoned, chest too small. Ankles too slim, wrists that only draw attention to my spindly fingers. Lips too dry, teeth too dull. Nose too pink, cheekbones too unpronounced. I'm too short, i'm untoned, i'm sad and it's more painful to look in the mirror than it is to do anything else in the entire world. So why, why would you tell me that i'm perfect? Why would you humiliate me in such a way? Because it is, you know, humiliating. To be told that you're perfect, just to be made aware that you're not. Someone calls you perfect and you're sat there, alert and painfully aware of all your flaws, out there to be seen. It's mocking, it's patronising. It's the dagger words that splinter away at my chest while i sleep, beelining for my weak and pathetic heart.
Beautiful. Pretty. Amazing. Gorgeous. Goddess.
the words themselves make me physcially ill. What the fuck is wrong with me