stars are blind

It hurts, but people don't understand that of course. Their eyes flicker and they watch the sad and frail figure trudge silently down the stairs. They shake their heads and mouth quiet conversations about misguidance to each other when they think we can't hear.
It's so frustrating that they stare so intently, yet they still can't see.
Misguidance is everywhere. Misguidance is nothing. Misguidance is irrelevant.
Self loathing is so blatant. It stares at you in the mirror, glaring in disgust at all your ugliness out there for everyone to see.
Hatred cradles you.

Self hatred wraps itself around your core and takes one agonizing bite at a time until you're crippled from the inside.

You were the tape for the holes that pierced my heart. The tape that wound its spell around my soul and lulled me into false security. You exposed me. Ripped open my flesh and let the world see how my insides worked.
Then you left.

the ocean grew between us

it hurts even though it shouldn't. We fucked everything up without even meaning to. You saunter off into the distance and leave me trailing behind, mere mortal being slipping silently between life and nothingness. I am the light behind your eyes, the space between your thighs, daylight shining through. You used to write our story in the sky, sweet words studded with stars and comets. Our story used to be great.

Now we

are

Empty spaces. Meaningless words dotted in the air like crumbs. Full stops dunked in misery and comfort coffee.
you and i and everything that lies between us.
time plus eternity.

the bottom of the ocean

flames ignite in my head from dizziness and i could collapse from sheer exhaustion. The merry go round is spinning faster and faster, weaving it's cold fingers around my core and dragging me down as it turns. Sixteen bites, marching down my throat like little ants, leaving their sticky footprints in my mouth as reminders. I shut my eyes and stars collide behind my eyelids, my mind slowly crumbling. I can't breathe. My heart clangs loudly in my chest and i can hear the voices in my head raging back and forth. One little bite won't hurt. The merry go round splinters and for a split second i hesitate, one, two mouthfuls away from bliss. The thick layer of hatred that envelopes my body groans and i sink to the floor, unable to carry the weight. I push one, two mouthfuls away. I wish you understood. I wish i could make you see what you've done to me.

it's a task laid out in front of me. Small bites crawling down my throat, sticking to my insides and hammering me with guilt upon every swallow. There is motion in my head and i can feel my sanity spiralling down, plummeting to the very soles of my feet where they seize up making my body immobile. I can't do it, i cannot sit here smiling and laughing as i overflow my insides. My breath is short and i can feel the food in my throat, punnishing me for hunger with every taste. There is a silent scream in my head as i choke back each morsel, drowning them in self hate. i want to be nothing

don't waste your youth growing up

it's like i'm standing in a room full of people, screaming my lungs out and nobody even looks up.

you're in my hiding spot

you can't depend on something that changes. Pinning all your hopes on something that spins away when the wind changes. I can't let you see me how i am underneath, underneath all the excess of skin and bone. You think you can see right through me, you think you can tell why i am the way i am. Of course you sit there on your pedestool and you shake your head while you watch me flounder in the water before i slowly sink under. You want to help, i know that. I just don't want to help myself.

elixir

Of course you left. You're not used to seeing everything disintegrate before your eyes the way i am. The way i can spend hours building up my life, block by block, only to have it crumble when i look in the mirror. When i rest my head on the door, my mind is swimming with chaos, and all i can acknowledge is that i'm drowning. You used to hold me up, drag my limp self from the stone studded ground and push me to the surface, but now without you, i'm swamped by the very thing i created. A fair ending, some would say.