didn't you know the queen never deals her best card until last? Somehow you got the impression that i didn't play anymore. That i would just sit on the sidelines and watch you swing your hips to freedom. well, you might have three things in your favour. but none of them are important. feel free to run all the same, i'll be right behind you.

dream a little dream of me. remember the spindly legged girl with the stupid daisy chain weaved as a crown around her head? i'm walking alone this time, nobody on the sidelines, no little house to crawl towards in my deepest moments of misery. music bubbles underneath me, spinning out in ribbons everytime my feet hit the gravel, like a creek beneath the world, somehow taking me with it. There is only so long you can play the pretence game, but i'm doing my best to drag it out now. sweet slides on my stereo, sugar coated dreams above my pillow, well i have a small habit of falling into wonderland when i can't face the sky above me now. You remember me right? i always have to ask, you know. i'm impossible to forget, but kind of hard to remember. the music below makes me dizzy, it's more like a pounding now. a sea of sounds of voices. a language that seems like english, i think i understand, and then i realise it means nothing to me. put me in the outsider box, at least there's no pretending games. cobbled streets and dark roads, i'm finally back where i belong, walking these empty pathways. once again i am alone, never someone by my side, always always alone.

i know that what i want is wrong. i know that the thoughts that claw at my insides, desperate for a say, will eventually take hold of me. It's an obcession, every time i look in the glass i feel it stir inside me. I can taste my own disgust rising. fashion is the healthiest motivation, well i'm motivated by fashion then. it's a healthy problem. I can't let her beat me, i can't let anyone beat me. i can feel it underneath my fingertips, so soft, so horrible. I want to tear it to pieces and never let it ever happen again, but i can't. I don't want to fight these thoughts, i want to embrace it. i dream of fasting, i dream of having nothing ever again. I tell others not to think like this. i'm a hypocrite. I want this badly, i want to be nothing.