the pleasure is mine.

its all cliches and meaningless resolutions. unrealistic dreams spill from the lips of over-optimistic, stereotypical children, still in that bubble wrapped phase of life where nothing is unachievable. i recall similar times, of immersing myself in hundreds of books, day after day, drinking in emotive words and turning language into visions in my mind. oh, i was going to paint scenes of angsty, love starved girls dissapearing into a world where clouds crossed an unfamiliar sky and fantasy became reality. stories of young men trying to break out of routine, their last chance attempts at proving themselves to that unseen authority, that dream of becoming iconic, memorable. oh and those stories do exist, they are simply unwritten. Because, my friends, the story doesn't always follow the storyline that you plan, instead weaving and crossing in every other possible direction, knocking down hope-filled hearts, placing black ink crosses over possible futures, and running through those unnavoidable red lights. oh life, the harsh ruins and dissapointments that come with it, enough to encourage the strongest of minds to retreat into the corner. life, oh the hopes it dashes, the toll it takes. Eager, keen little hearts blazing with ideas and creativity, only to be forced back into nothingness, where they remain still and unblinking as they ponder the wreck that is their planned out, all american dream lives. it's all just a glittery exterior,isn't it? that dress that turns out to look so much better on the hanger.well is it all part of growing up? is having your visions anihilated some sort of crash test before adulthood? That alice-in-wonderland feeling of your entire world being turned upside down, is that detrimental to ones growth? surely one would be wiser to be a cynic from the beginning?

imminent heartache

oh its all bottled up inside me. spilling out of my limbs, painting my insides with vibrant red. the same blood that was in me when we were last together. its a bit of nothing, but at the same time, its the world over. its absoloutely everything. and i dont even want it anymore. i want to tie you up and fill your pockets with stones. then i shall throw you in the ocean. lets play a game. its called swimming with the fishes. ill let you go first shall i? and then when you're skin is cold and your insides washed out with water, then you can tell me i'm too red. that my skin no longer has appeal.from the dust i was raised and to the dust i shall return. but you won't. oh i will come and sit with you in the water. ill hold your hand as you stop breathing. you'll look at me with urgent eyes, and it's okay, cos i understand. i have the power and you don't. its sad really. at any point i can choose to save you. i could give you the air that your pathetic lungs crave so desperately. but i wont. something tells me, that you wouldn't mind swapping places with me at all anymore.

juxtaposition. 9/11

it's the art of the unknown. that split second moment before you jump out of the sky, that feeling of not knowing whether your choice is wrong or right, but choosing not to care. its dazzling white lights that settle in your mind, the feeling of wet grass underneath your feet as you spin in circles on the sand. tiny raindrops melt the ice that is the world and suddenly i'm swimming in my hopes and wishes. i don't drown coz in my head i know it's only a dream, the white powder lining my throat is playing games with me, nothing is real. shells play music and it's a song ive heard a long time ago, but i just cant place it. somewhere quiet underneath a table of phone books is where i heard it, with the phone cord dangling in front of me like a ribbon in front of a cat. and thats what i wanted to be, til i was six. a little cat who had the freedom i have now. to drink magic and to play cards with animals that talk. some people don't understand me. its because i'm not real. it's my essense, i am unnatainable like the wind. i don't play games except with myself. for the mist rises each day and takes me away with it. when you shut your eyes at night thats when i come out. i am with you in the darkness always. but you never know when youre awake. coz when you wake i disappear. gone, until you next close your eyes. and the whole time, im on the brink of your mind. youre thinking about something lovely in a secret world and youre thinking about me at the same time, but you cant quite put the two together. there's a veil over your eyes, but it's just me weaving lace across the world. tieing it up in a big bow like a ribbon. presentable, see the world is now a ten out of ten. ill leave you with a scoreboard and a pencil, then i am gone again. unknown, dissapeared. the uncut agony of a broken heart, the searing pain of cutting out my lungs. it's ok, i don't need to breathe. i breathe through my skin. my skin's lit up and my fingers tremble, but the air seeps through my pores infilitrating my blood. give me a ten out of ten like the world. im hanging from the sky, my heart is on a train somewhere, my words are locked in caged bubbles floating across the universe. i am nothing but my very self. my flesh. i have no soul. my mind is worthless. my heart feels nothing but coldness. its a coldness i cannot wake up from. and that makes me scared.

i hope we all die soon. whats even the point of being alive.

13.2.10

when you feel so lost that you cant see what is before you. when you get what you want, but never what you need. i feel like sometimes what you imagine to be worse, would often be the more ideal situation. its playing a game with someone a lot more powerful than yourself. i don't know what drives me on. my wardrobe full of lace dresses, the classics on my bookshelves. the words that spill from my mouth are dated and unheard of. i don't need another reason to be mocked. but you suprise me. im not with the times, i read the paper, i pour the milk into cream jugs and serve it on the table with candles so it looks pretty. i am not you. i am not anybody really. just me. and i don't hide who i am, or what i'm like. i do not cover up my faith or my values. i'm not lost, but i can see that you are. you ask me questions that only authority could answer. i'm sorry that i am not an angel, sent to help restructure your life. i'd re-build it with books and make a tunnel out of magazines. i would stack picture frames on top of each other til they reached the sky, or hang glass decorations from my ceiling. that would help me if i was you. that would make me smile. but i'm not you. and you're not me. im the girl that sits in an empty room, but in my head im somewhere beautiful where nothing hurts. if you tell yourself something often enough you start to believe it after a while. so my word is beautiful. maybe you should try it.

6.2.10

we can't keep hiding forever. i know that people know. you are inside my head, mixing up my words and making my eyes shine. its obvious. time could and did eventually tell. but we're still waiting. everything is this never ending process, and im losing life while i wait. but i will never stop waiting. not when it comes to this. this is my everything, my entire world. it all lies in your hands. yours to do whatever you like with. please look after my heart. i said i didn't care, i said i didn't want it. well i lied. i do care, but i still don't want it. only because i kinda like the fact that its yours. im not going to hide any longer, i will wait as obviously as it becomes. because you have me in a chokehold, and your charms have snaked around my waist pulling me into your lair. well i confess. its fun here. not that ive taken my eyes off you to notice whats around us, but im sure its lovely.

3.2.10

i am so lost here. ive been folded like a piece of paper. scribbled on then shoved in your pocket. remember when i was with you for real? and it was that moment of pure content, hearts open and eyes bleeding our emotions out into the air. not solo, never hands in our laps, head hanging down. open, in the sky, life blazing colour and happiness. thats how i am, its me. its you. its everything that has made us up. but what do i do when youre gone? when its just me, in the black and white room that has no feeling? my life is no longer splashed on the wall. you and i only exist in my mind. i need something to hold onto, something other than memories to cling to like a boat in water when everything else is pulled out from unde my feet. its supposed to be love, i am supposed to be glowing. i feel like someone snatched out my heart and beat it against the rocks. this is just hurt. because youre not here. im begging you. please dont leave me on my own.

2.2.10

its lovely and white and theres nothing else to stop me from feeling this away. its like breathing again after minutes of locking the air up inside your chest. i don't care if you don't like her. you cant categorize her okay, she's in my world. not yours. you dont know how i feel. they are all i have. i cant keep on like this. im walking down the road alone, and yeah i really do feel lonely. no music sofly echoing my footsteps, nobody special waiting for me that moment i step into the world each day. when im with them everything is pretty. life shines like the night. dont tell me i cant see him. dont tell me youre not a fan of her. theyre so precious. just please let me be.