stars are blind

It hurts, but people don't understand that of course. Their eyes flicker and they watch the sad and frail figure trudge silently down the stairs. They shake their heads and mouth quiet conversations about misguidance to each other when they think we can't hear.
It's so frustrating that they stare so intently, yet they still can't see.
Misguidance is everywhere. Misguidance is nothing. Misguidance is irrelevant.
Self loathing is so blatant. It stares at you in the mirror, glaring in disgust at all your ugliness out there for everyone to see.
Hatred cradles you.

Self hatred wraps itself around your core and takes one agonizing bite at a time until you're crippled from the inside.

You were the tape for the holes that pierced my heart. The tape that wound its spell around my soul and lulled me into false security. You exposed me. Ripped open my flesh and let the world see how my insides worked.
Then you left.

the ocean grew between us

it hurts even though it shouldn't. We fucked everything up without even meaning to. You saunter off into the distance and leave me trailing behind, mere mortal being slipping silently between life and nothingness. I am the light behind your eyes, the space between your thighs, daylight shining through. You used to write our story in the sky, sweet words studded with stars and comets. Our story used to be great.

Now we

are

Empty spaces. Meaningless words dotted in the air like crumbs. Full stops dunked in misery and comfort coffee.
you and i and everything that lies between us.
time plus eternity.

the bottom of the ocean

flames ignite in my head from dizziness and i could collapse from sheer exhaustion. The merry go round is spinning faster and faster, weaving it's cold fingers around my core and dragging me down as it turns. Sixteen bites, marching down my throat like little ants, leaving their sticky footprints in my mouth as reminders. I shut my eyes and stars collide behind my eyelids, my mind slowly crumbling. I can't breathe. My heart clangs loudly in my chest and i can hear the voices in my head raging back and forth. One little bite won't hurt. The merry go round splinters and for a split second i hesitate, one, two mouthfuls away from bliss. The thick layer of hatred that envelopes my body groans and i sink to the floor, unable to carry the weight. I push one, two mouthfuls away. I wish you understood. I wish i could make you see what you've done to me.

it's a task laid out in front of me. Small bites crawling down my throat, sticking to my insides and hammering me with guilt upon every swallow. There is motion in my head and i can feel my sanity spiralling down, plummeting to the very soles of my feet where they seize up making my body immobile. I can't do it, i cannot sit here smiling and laughing as i overflow my insides. My breath is short and i can feel the food in my throat, punnishing me for hunger with every taste. There is a silent scream in my head as i choke back each morsel, drowning them in self hate. i want to be nothing

don't waste your youth growing up

it's like i'm standing in a room full of people, screaming my lungs out and nobody even looks up.

you're in my hiding spot

you can't depend on something that changes. Pinning all your hopes on something that spins away when the wind changes. I can't let you see me how i am underneath, underneath all the excess of skin and bone. You think you can see right through me, you think you can tell why i am the way i am. Of course you sit there on your pedestool and you shake your head while you watch me flounder in the water before i slowly sink under. You want to help, i know that. I just don't want to help myself.

elixir

Of course you left. You're not used to seeing everything disintegrate before your eyes the way i am. The way i can spend hours building up my life, block by block, only to have it crumble when i look in the mirror. When i rest my head on the door, my mind is swimming with chaos, and all i can acknowledge is that i'm drowning. You used to hold me up, drag my limp self from the stone studded ground and push me to the surface, but now without you, i'm swamped by the very thing i created. A fair ending, some would say.

mace spray

- boy and bear
- three green teas in the last hr oh well
- i feel like i'm trying so much harder in all my friendships than they are trying with me
-i fucking need to see her
-i'm so ocd about my nails, i can't let them chip the tiniest bit or i want to cry
-why does food even exist
-i'm so mad at myself for being weak
-i need to excercise
-i wish i could eat salad all the time
-i know it's in the past, but moving on is so hard sometimes
-perfection is just never going to be achieved
-i want it to be summer already
-i go to europe in a week
-i want to be thin for europe
-i want people to stare at me and envy my control
-i miss skins
it's not even summer but it's fucking hot in my bedroom all the time oh my word

i

i'm starting over. It's so comforting to look in the mirror and see the last shreds of the old me slipping away. I've been a little lost lately, to say the least, but i've finally found my way back.  The agony of feeling inadequate isn't something that just dissapears. It might lay low for a while, wallowing in the shadows, but it's always there, waiting for a chance to rear its pretty head and wind it's alluring noose around my throat. This time though, i'm going to dedicate myself, shed the insecure skin of times past and truly come out on top.

S I N K I N G

dream a little dream of me

- i had berry tea and green tea all day today, to distract myself from food
-i fucked up and ate toast and yoghurt anyway
- i'm proper annoyed at how i never paint my nails anymore
- i ditched my best friend at a party tonight
-i cried in a carfull of people tonight and i was just looking out the window hoping they wouldn't notice
-i've been coughing again jfgh my illness is back
-he didn't put xx's on the end of his msgs for the first time ever
-i thought i lost my phone for like 10 mins and i wanted to die
-my cat doesn't love me anymore i swear
-i tried to focus in church but all i could think about was getting a tan
-i miss her
-i sat in a bathtub and for some reason doing something stupid made me happy
- i really want some grapes and some watermelon idk
- i need to be healthy and excercise more so i feel cleaner and sadder//better
-i must be the only person in the world that is happier being sad
-i wish my hair was fucking lavender already
-i go to europe in like 25 days and im scared of my best friend and everyone finding other people they like more than me while im gone
-i wish i'd not had yoghurt this morning, i really do
-my old best friend slept with his ex gf tonight. why why why
-twitter has automatically updated to the new version ew
-im going to bed because i'm tired and there are actual rings under my eyes sigh
-i really fucking crave grapes or grapefruit omg

07/08/11

what the actual fuck is wrong with me. I managed to screw up the two good things i have going for me both in one night. I feel like the world is moving around me, spinning faster and faster, yet i'm stuck in the same place, immobile. I hate myself and what i've become with this raging passion. I want to dig my nails underneath the skin on my body and just shred it to bits. I don't though. I stay still and i just breathe in and out, over and over. Despite the cold, i have the fan on, so i'm shivering continuously. I don't turn it off though, i do it to myself on purpose. Some kind of fucked up punishment for being the person that i am. Sometimes, if i want to really scare myself, i'll think of before. Of how it used to be. Of how fucking close i was with the two of them and now how many oceans apart we are. It's terrifying. The distance between us. How i'm so far away now, maybe too far away to be saved when everything comes crashing down on me. The fan whirls faster, the rickety sound of the blades become a torturous metronome in my head until all i can feel is the blood whooshing through my veins, pounding beneath my temples and punishing me with every wave of pain. It's like i'm sinking.

i built a home for you

i'm so uncomfortable with everything going on around me right now. It's kind of difficult to explain, but i miss being sad. When i'm sad, i have control. When i'm unhappy, i sink back into my true self. Control over what i eat, i can write freely, i fall back into my excessive internet usage, listening to the music that only i listen to, taking pictures of everything i see, reading thinspiration blogs, talking to my old best friend. Idk, i've been so swept up in everything recently, i'm barely home. I know spending less time on the internet doesn't seem like a bad thing, that going out with friends proper loads isn't exactly dragging me down, but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable, like i'm pretending. Its one thing to go out and smile and have a great time, but the control just leaves me. My individuality literally just seeps from my skin, falling away into nothingness. Laughing with my best friend, kissing someone i'm seeing, running at the gym, prancing about at work, it all genuinely feels like the biggest facade. I'm waiting for someone to come and burst the balloon so i can sink back into my indescribable sadness, my aching loneliness, my excessive tumblr use. It all sounds so miserable, but i crave it. The patheticness of it all that inspires me, reaches out it's spindly fingers and gives me control. Idk, i don't enjoy being happy.

casiotone for the painfully alone

you call me perfect and i don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain the agony and raging self loathing that lies beneath my skin. It's not even like i'm pretty on the outside and all the ugliness and hatred is hidden away. It's all out there for everyone to see. My snaggled hair, my dull skin. freckles peppered unevenly accross my nose. Eyes too cloudy, eyelashes too short. Ears too small, nails too thin. Skin too pale, torso too short. Legs not long enough, thighs too big. Hips untoned, chest too small. Ankles too slim, wrists that only draw attention to my spindly fingers. Lips too dry, teeth too dull. Nose too pink, cheekbones too unpronounced. I'm too short, i'm untoned, i'm sad and it's more painful to look in the mirror than it is to do anything else in the entire world. So why, why would you tell me that i'm perfect? Why would you humiliate me in such a way? Because it is, you know, humiliating. To be told that you're perfect, just to be made aware that you're not. Someone calls you perfect and you're sat there, alert and painfully aware of all your flaws, out there to be seen. It's mocking, it's patronising. It's the dagger words that splinter away at my chest while i sleep, beelining for my weak and pathetic heart.
Beautiful. Pretty. Amazing. Gorgeous. Goddess.
the words themselves make me physcially ill. What the fuck is wrong with me

solace in misery

All the hearts we broke, all the decisions we thought would matter. Those nights spent in somebody’s arms, people whose names now escape us. It’s an underlying current, an emotional whirlwind where we all put feelings on the lines for taking risks. All the times we took our chance on love. All the times it failed us.

We’re all just broken, lonely souls wondering how to get out next fix. Drugs, alcohol, love, thrills, obsession, sex, manipulation, lies; it’s all the same. A roundabout of momentary pleasure, cheap thrills that dance along your consciousness, swaying precariously on the bridge between uncaring and regret.

You sit there with your eyes glazed over as she tells you all the ways you could draw your life up from the ground, what a fucking shining star you could make of yourself. Her eyes aren’t so much enthusiastic as they are pleading. Because she pities you really. Watching you turn to danger and destruction, watching you turn it into a lifestyle. But your expression remains the same, as always. Because caring is so much harder than remaining impassive. Hating so much easier than admitting love. Finding something to pour your heart and soul into akin to telling everyone your innermost secrets.

So you choose the kaleidoscopic pleasure of living cheaply. Cheap thrills, cheap friends, cheap life. Because you’re clever.

Just not clever enough.

in your hands

Just when i think i'm rising above it all, that i'm shedding the skin of insecurity and obsession, it comes back. Like a candle flickering in the darkness. The paranoia, the anxiety, the craving for perfection. I know i should burn all my magazines, rip up all my obcessive lists, but i can't. i enjoy it all too much. The feeling of being in control, the confidence that comes with being empty and flawless. Of sizing up everyone around me and gloating inwardly when i come out on top. It's horrific, but i can't escape it. So many times i've pushed it behind me. Because the feelings of confidence, the feelings of happiness? they're fleeting. So so so so so fleeting. So fleeting that they might as well never have existed. In it's place are insecurities and misery. A down spiral into depression and self loathing. But it's all i've got. Skin stretched over bones, endless hours of nothing but tears. So for now, this is what i'll stand for.

hang me from the heavens

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love