all of your pieces fill up other people's holes, but they don't fill up your own.

months blur together, days crawling lethargically across one another in an endless miserable stretch. My mind is drained of reason and my conscience decides to look the other way while i trudge dutifully through life, pushing aside anyone who ever implied they might care.
why
i really couldn't say
Some people have defining moments in their lives, a tragic accident or a horrific break up that left them distraught, ripping their hearts out and shredding their insides.

i don't have any excuse.
It's like i woke up one morning and i had disappeared, a cloaked figure robbing me of my happiness.

Shedding all emotion leaves you empty, starved of feeling. It's nice, you know. When someone rises up to hurt you and you stand there blankly as they rain insult upon insult on your cold, hardened skin. It's nice not to hurt, to be able to look the other way as the people around you suffer.

Eventually though, the world we build for ourselves starts to crumble. Walls we built from the ground slip through our fingers and we sit helplessly in confusion and misery as our defense mechanism slows to a halt.
It's almost amusing how much it confuses us.
how can we be hurting?
we never let anyone in, we never opened up. Our lives were foolproof.
spirits laugh as we flounder pathetically in our own misery.
The deepest wounds we get aren't the ones from other people hurting us. They are the wounds we give ourselves when we hurt other people.
Being empty doesn't mean that if you're held underwater you won't drown.

faded and thin, like a letter too often read

grief is a house
where the doors no longer let you
in
or out

We blurred at the edges, it and me. Together we became one big seeping, crawling thing.

sadness hums quietly through my insides as i stare blankly at the wall.
Sometimes i feel like i'm drowning. I'm kicking and screaming whilst i splash hopelessly about in giant oceans of sadness. Giant bodies of water that seem to open up from below and swallow me whole.
I scream for help, of course.
Nobody hears me though. If they do, they don't let on.

of course.

I try and make sense of it all in my head sometimes. The way those fleeting moments of happiness can lift you up so high, yet all it really does is create a further distance to fall.
I wanted you. I wanted you more than I've wanted anything else in my life.
(lying on your bed smoking and giggling as you sang to me, in between kisses)

i spent my whole life searching for happiness and suddenly there it was. Staring out at me as i tumbled from one giddy day to the next, smothered in love and buttered with affection.
I drop my hairbrush on the floor and it clatters loudly. I open the fridge too quickly and the milk rocks precariously on the edge of the shelf before spilling to the floor. I mess up.
You stand silently on the other side of the room.
i'm standing in the ocean and it swallows me up.

of course.

if sadness was a sea, i would surely drown

you're hurting me.
it hurts.
i am neither here nor there.

You smile obliviously, eyes focused as you stack shelf upon shelf. You chatter on obliviously, loud voiced as you  light fire after fire. You turn to me for comfort, miserable as you drive knife after knife through my chest.
we are not friends.
we are not lovers.

We're both reaching for the remote and you're laughing and i'm laughing and we're both laughing and  happiness is enshrouding us and our skin is hot with excitement.
You tumble into the darkness.
i am caught. Balanced on the very edge of the cliff, hanging in the balance between light and dark.
You don't want me. The darkness pulls at me anyway.
You want me. The light is familiar.

We are not friends.
we are not lovers.

We both tumble forward into darkness.