28.01.10

sometimes i feel like a box with a million different compartments. one for my love, one for my sadness, one for my jealousy, one for my hate etc. everytime one of these emotions is pulled into play i imagine opening the lid of that one little box and letting out whatever feeling i have. sometimes, my love pours out easily. i don't even get a chance to fully spring the catch on the lid before it comes overflowing over the sides and spreading through all the rest of me, flowing into other compartments through the cracks, diluting my other emotions. hate is different its sits in its box, simmering away, the box a personal sauna. even if im happy, cloud nine even, that particular box is always hot, boiling away, threatening to burst open the lid and burn my insides with its rage. usually i feel in control, the one who puts these feelings in their boxes, and if i wish- put them away again. well you're defying my logic. you make me feel something i cant even label. it wont even stay in its box. it doesnt even have a box. when youre around, my love comes spilling out, washing through me, streaming into my blood, my ligaments, my bones, til im saturated in it. you become my everything. and then you say the words i hate with the meanings they imply, while you smile your cruel smile and the hate in me is like an inner explosion. hot, white rage blinds my vision, leaves me short of breath and send messages to my legs and arms about inflicting damage to you. i feel like you've come along and broken every single clasp, one by one, on my compartment boxes. my feelings don't stay locked up anymore. they don't just sit in their boxes. they flow out into me, mingling and intertwining until they are a mixture of every possible emotion and its simply indescribable. all i know is it makes me feel like i do now. like i want to scream, so i whisper. i feel hot, yet im cold. i love you, yet im so angry. what have you done to me?

21.01.10

i wish you away. this isn't stepford wives, we're not living in a perfect little utopia. every maiden doesn't have to be a carbon copy of the person they love. i am not you, and you sure as hell aren't me. i don't like going to the newsagent and seeing you buy the same magazines as me. when i leave notes in the willow tree by the lake, i don't want to see your handwriting scrawled in the bark. i'm not a follower, but i dont want to be a leader, becasue i'm sick of having followers. It's late, go home to bed. to your mother and your father, the ones that encourage you to be yourslelf. if you don't have a chinese laundromat, dont tell me you go there at night. don't be me. i don't try to be you right? i know you say you dont follow the crowd, but don't follow me either. i wish you far far far away, like star wars. but i bet you love that too. you are everything i hate, even though you act like me. go home now, tuck yourself into bed, and when you wake up, be yourself.

12.11.09

i wish i could press rewind and go back to before. like way back where we didn’t have lights even though i love lightswitches, but right back to where people carried candles around to see in the dark. and there were vintage doorhandles and everything. dinner every night would be a lovely affair with lace tableclothes and pretty crystal. they would dress up to come to the table and would say thankyou mother and kiss on the cheek alot. coz people’ cared back then, you know? they had class.

21.01.10

well you couldn't understand. to know someone thats always out of touch, always around the corner. they are everything and nothing all at once. i know i'm just a link in a chain, i know i'm not there with you. but i miss you like i cant even understand. being with you is magical, its like we go to our secret place where only we exist, amongst the fairies and the unreal. with ribbons in our hair and diamonds instead of eyes, everything we touch explodes. we spin late at night in the woods, white dresses winding round our wrists and flowing out in every other direction. breathing glitter and chanting fireflies, we see into a different realm. there are eyes on our skin, air seeps in through our transparent flesh and we are pulsing with life from every pore. whispering in the dark while we hold hands and dance in the long grass, weaving silk scarves behind us.lying on the earth, in the silence, while the air blows on our faces, the dew of the ground clinging to red lips and glossy hair. Long spindly legs climbing the oak trees, as we fill gumnuts with glitter and nail pictures to logs, sealed with smudged lipstick kisses. there are lanterns in the trees, and citronella burns out into the night, winding a spell, enchanting every living breathing thing in all the land. chanting psalms and ancient poetry, we make drinks in our treehouse. iced tea and rose petals clinking together in frosted glasses, filling us with everything we ever wanted to be. building us up from the inside, burning, fizzing up out of our lungs and into the air, painting words in the sky for everyone to see. and everyone knows, but they don't understand. they can't see what it's like to be the wind, to spin until the world is dark and hazy. we are like lights in the mist, white dresses flimsy and floating in the breeze. we see underneath the ground, past the weaving roots and vines, we know the words written under the earth. we know the stories and the tiny fingerprints printed along tree branches. we know because we wrote them there. dancing we wade into the lake, sitting on the wooden gazebo, swinging our legs in rythmn through the water. the lockets around our necks dangle noiselessly, pointing towards our hearts,the ones we keep locked up inside our chests. it's like a song, our words are like tinkling music, our laughs like windchimes. it's impossible to comprehend, only the fireflies understand, as they watch in the dark, two girls living in make believe. but we're here now, and it's real, clearer than glass. and if you look really hard through the cracks, you might just see us.

17.12.09

lets pretend we're back at the beginning. Before i knew that black didn't always mean black. Before i tried to replace you, before i tried to fit into the background, become the wind. I was just a little girl sitting in a teacup, you had cats eyes and a lion in your bed. Who were you to tell me i didn't belong? At least i found my way. Not where i thought i would, it wasn't hidden in the words. it was hidden in me. i just had to find it. you weren't accepted, not by me. You were still there, i was just undecided. I know now that you're just not replaceable. But i tried, i tried to poke my life back through the keyhole you had created, and i drank of the glass that said drink me. Poison doesn't matter, it doesn't call my name. Neither do you anymore. Because it's not before. It's now, here. We're breathing. together .And it's real, but i wish it wasn't. Because i accepted you finally, but the power lies in your response. And i'm scared you'll say no. i'm thinking that maybe Alice isn't in Wonderland anymore.

i need you, the one who doesn't ignore me when i feel this way. I feel stranded, and i can't tell anymore if i'm coming or i'm going. nothing is how i planned it, it's like i have a key to the door of my life, but it's just not opening. I find myself in the strangest places these days, my patience in you, in everyone, it just winds down faster than i knew it could. You're the only one who knows me, and who doesn't ignore that i'm fading away. my colors turned to shades, i feel like all the seasons got mixed up and i'm travelling through different worlds every day. Except the world has stayed the same. it's just me. i need you to tell me what to do, someone to explain why my life has turned out like this. I'm all mixed up, and it feels like i'm going through life standing on my head. i miss you when i'm in the fabric shop, i miss you when i'm making toasted sandwiches, i miss you when i'm at adventure world, i miss you when i'm under the water at walter point. I mmiss you always, and its draining me of what it felt like to have my life in my own hands. i can't control my life when i feel like this. you control it. because i belong to you. but that's no good if youre not here is it?

20.01.10

I feel like i'm lost. floating out to sea. i've had my mind on other things, and never even noticed how far i had drifted away from the shore. i don't have anything. or anyone. not here, with me. All i have is what is in my head, the thoughts and small voices that are a constant buzz in the back of my mind, always there. Two people in this world. That i care about, the ones that make me smile. Of course they live forever away, miles and miles, further away from the shore than i am. I'm so far i feel like sinking. the silence of the deep is magnetising, and sometimes i catch myself thinking that maybe to dissappear wouldn't be so bad. to be cold and unfeeling. At least there would be no loneliness. nothing compared to the way i feel now. It's like my heart can only handle a tiny bit of pressure, it must be treated with care. And right now i feel like my heart has been put in the washing machine. being tumbled around, thrown up against the metal doors, being hit from every side. Well i'll take it out. here, have my heart. two people in this world. and theyre not here. with me. My heart doesn't want to know anymore. so have it. hang it on the washing line, paint it with silver glitter and hang it on your christmas tree. i don't care. and i won't ever again if i give my heart away. so here.i don't want it anymore. because all i feel is hurt. the way i miss them. its yours now. consider it a gift.