28.01.10

sometimes i feel like a box with a million different compartments. one for my love, one for my sadness, one for my jealousy, one for my hate etc. everytime one of these emotions is pulled into play i imagine opening the lid of that one little box and letting out whatever feeling i have. sometimes, my love pours out easily. i don't even get a chance to fully spring the catch on the lid before it comes overflowing over the sides and spreading through all the rest of me, flowing into other compartments through the cracks, diluting my other emotions. hate is different its sits in its box, simmering away, the box a personal sauna. even if im happy, cloud nine even, that particular box is always hot, boiling away, threatening to burst open the lid and burn my insides with its rage. usually i feel in control, the one who puts these feelings in their boxes, and if i wish- put them away again. well you're defying my logic. you make me feel something i cant even label. it wont even stay in its box. it doesnt even have a box. when youre around, my love comes spilling out, washing through me, streaming into my blood, my ligaments, my bones, til im saturated in it. you become my everything. and then you say the words i hate with the meanings they imply, while you smile your cruel smile and the hate in me is like an inner explosion. hot, white rage blinds my vision, leaves me short of breath and send messages to my legs and arms about inflicting damage to you. i feel like you've come along and broken every single clasp, one by one, on my compartment boxes. my feelings don't stay locked up anymore. they don't just sit in their boxes. they flow out into me, mingling and intertwining until they are a mixture of every possible emotion and its simply indescribable. all i know is it makes me feel like i do now. like i want to scream, so i whisper. i feel hot, yet im cold. i love you, yet im so angry. what have you done to me?