i built a home for you

i'm so uncomfortable with everything going on around me right now. It's kind of difficult to explain, but i miss being sad. When i'm sad, i have control. When i'm unhappy, i sink back into my true self. Control over what i eat, i can write freely, i fall back into my excessive internet usage, listening to the music that only i listen to, taking pictures of everything i see, reading thinspiration blogs, talking to my old best friend. Idk, i've been so swept up in everything recently, i'm barely home. I know spending less time on the internet doesn't seem like a bad thing, that going out with friends proper loads isn't exactly dragging me down, but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable, like i'm pretending. Its one thing to go out and smile and have a great time, but the control just leaves me. My individuality literally just seeps from my skin, falling away into nothingness. Laughing with my best friend, kissing someone i'm seeing, running at the gym, prancing about at work, it all genuinely feels like the biggest facade. I'm waiting for someone to come and burst the balloon so i can sink back into my indescribable sadness, my aching loneliness, my excessive tumblr use. It all sounds so miserable, but i crave it. The patheticness of it all that inspires me, reaches out it's spindly fingers and gives me control. Idk, i don't enjoy being happy.