07/08/11

what the actual fuck is wrong with me. I managed to screw up the two good things i have going for me both in one night. I feel like the world is moving around me, spinning faster and faster, yet i'm stuck in the same place, immobile. I hate myself and what i've become with this raging passion. I want to dig my nails underneath the skin on my body and just shred it to bits. I don't though. I stay still and i just breathe in and out, over and over. Despite the cold, i have the fan on, so i'm shivering continuously. I don't turn it off though, i do it to myself on purpose. Some kind of fucked up punishment for being the person that i am. Sometimes, if i want to really scare myself, i'll think of before. Of how it used to be. Of how fucking close i was with the two of them and now how many oceans apart we are. It's terrifying. The distance between us. How i'm so far away now, maybe too far away to be saved when everything comes crashing down on me. The fan whirls faster, the rickety sound of the blades become a torturous metronome in my head until all i can feel is the blood whooshing through my veins, pounding beneath my temples and punishing me with every wave of pain. It's like i'm sinking.