solace in misery

All the hearts we broke, all the decisions we thought would matter. Those nights spent in somebody’s arms, people whose names now escape us. It’s an underlying current, an emotional whirlwind where we all put feelings on the lines for taking risks. All the times we took our chance on love. All the times it failed us.

We’re all just broken, lonely souls wondering how to get out next fix. Drugs, alcohol, love, thrills, obsession, sex, manipulation, lies; it’s all the same. A roundabout of momentary pleasure, cheap thrills that dance along your consciousness, swaying precariously on the bridge between uncaring and regret.

You sit there with your eyes glazed over as she tells you all the ways you could draw your life up from the ground, what a fucking shining star you could make of yourself. Her eyes aren’t so much enthusiastic as they are pleading. Because she pities you really. Watching you turn to danger and destruction, watching you turn it into a lifestyle. But your expression remains the same, as always. Because caring is so much harder than remaining impassive. Hating so much easier than admitting love. Finding something to pour your heart and soul into akin to telling everyone your innermost secrets.

So you choose the kaleidoscopic pleasure of living cheaply. Cheap thrills, cheap friends, cheap life. Because you’re clever.

Just not clever enough.

in your hands

Just when i think i'm rising above it all, that i'm shedding the skin of insecurity and obsession, it comes back. Like a candle flickering in the darkness. The paranoia, the anxiety, the craving for perfection. I know i should burn all my magazines, rip up all my obcessive lists, but i can't. i enjoy it all too much. The feeling of being in control, the confidence that comes with being empty and flawless. Of sizing up everyone around me and gloating inwardly when i come out on top. It's horrific, but i can't escape it. So many times i've pushed it behind me. Because the feelings of confidence, the feelings of happiness? they're fleeting. So so so so so fleeting. So fleeting that they might as well never have existed. In it's place are insecurities and misery. A down spiral into depression and self loathing. But it's all i've got. Skin stretched over bones, endless hours of nothing but tears. So for now, this is what i'll stand for.

hang me from the heavens

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person wanders into your stupid life… you give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should just be friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love

19.7.10

i want to be nothing. to throw my head back towards the sky and feel the night air kissing every inch of my skin. to be refreshed, renewed, to stand under an unfamiliar sky where i float along as  if a ghost. weight is no longer a number, because what are numbers to one who knows only of the breeze? a world full of achievements never made and hopes which were dashed would simply fall away from beneath me, no longer pulling me back to the ground. i could spread wings weaved from a spiders web and float accross the night's sky. and you wouldn't even remember me. because i am nothing.

down the street i'm the girl next door.

all the times we shared, the decisions we thought would matter. Walking down the street; surrounded by material, all we cared about was each other. The taste doesn't matter, the cotton wrapped around your frame means little in the end. Because it was the soft beat of your heart, the distance between us that was never more than a few inches, the vision of open hearts bleeding out into the air, telling each other things that words alone cannot portray. It's not the colour of my nail polish they will remember, nor the cracking of the plastic cover on your new cd case. Its us, it's the feeling of the unknown, that hesistant step before the cliff face. You and i, and everything that makes up what we are.

didn't you know the queen never deals her best card until last? Somehow you got the impression that i didn't play anymore. That i would just sit on the sidelines and watch you swing your hips to freedom. well, you might have three things in your favour. but none of them are important. feel free to run all the same, i'll be right behind you.

dream a little dream of me. remember the spindly legged girl with the stupid daisy chain weaved as a crown around her head? i'm walking alone this time, nobody on the sidelines, no little house to crawl towards in my deepest moments of misery. music bubbles underneath me, spinning out in ribbons everytime my feet hit the gravel, like a creek beneath the world, somehow taking me with it. There is only so long you can play the pretence game, but i'm doing my best to drag it out now. sweet slides on my stereo, sugar coated dreams above my pillow, well i have a small habit of falling into wonderland when i can't face the sky above me now. You remember me right? i always have to ask, you know. i'm impossible to forget, but kind of hard to remember. the music below makes me dizzy, it's more like a pounding now. a sea of sounds of voices. a language that seems like english, i think i understand, and then i realise it means nothing to me. put me in the outsider box, at least there's no pretending games. cobbled streets and dark roads, i'm finally back where i belong, walking these empty pathways. once again i am alone, never someone by my side, always always alone.