don't waste your youth growing up

it's like i'm standing in a room full of people, screaming my lungs out and nobody even looks up.

you're in my hiding spot

you can't depend on something that changes. Pinning all your hopes on something that spins away when the wind changes. I can't let you see me how i am underneath, underneath all the excess of skin and bone. You think you can see right through me, you think you can tell why i am the way i am. Of course you sit there on your pedestool and you shake your head while you watch me flounder in the water before i slowly sink under. You want to help, i know that. I just don't want to help myself.

elixir

Of course you left. You're not used to seeing everything disintegrate before your eyes the way i am. The way i can spend hours building up my life, block by block, only to have it crumble when i look in the mirror. When i rest my head on the door, my mind is swimming with chaos, and all i can acknowledge is that i'm drowning. You used to hold me up, drag my limp self from the stone studded ground and push me to the surface, but now without you, i'm swamped by the very thing i created. A fair ending, some would say.

mace spray

- boy and bear
- three green teas in the last hr oh well
- i feel like i'm trying so much harder in all my friendships than they are trying with me
-i fucking need to see her
-i'm so ocd about my nails, i can't let them chip the tiniest bit or i want to cry
-why does food even exist
-i'm so mad at myself for being weak
-i need to excercise
-i wish i could eat salad all the time
-i know it's in the past, but moving on is so hard sometimes
-perfection is just never going to be achieved
-i want it to be summer already
-i go to europe in a week
-i want to be thin for europe
-i want people to stare at me and envy my control
-i miss skins
it's not even summer but it's fucking hot in my bedroom all the time oh my word

i

i'm starting over. It's so comforting to look in the mirror and see the last shreds of the old me slipping away. I've been a little lost lately, to say the least, but i've finally found my way back.  The agony of feeling inadequate isn't something that just dissapears. It might lay low for a while, wallowing in the shadows, but it's always there, waiting for a chance to rear its pretty head and wind it's alluring noose around my throat. This time though, i'm going to dedicate myself, shed the insecure skin of times past and truly come out on top.

S I N K I N G

dream a little dream of me

- i had berry tea and green tea all day today, to distract myself from food
-i fucked up and ate toast and yoghurt anyway
- i'm proper annoyed at how i never paint my nails anymore
- i ditched my best friend at a party tonight
-i cried in a carfull of people tonight and i was just looking out the window hoping they wouldn't notice
-i've been coughing again jfgh my illness is back
-he didn't put xx's on the end of his msgs for the first time ever
-i thought i lost my phone for like 10 mins and i wanted to die
-my cat doesn't love me anymore i swear
-i tried to focus in church but all i could think about was getting a tan
-i miss her
-i sat in a bathtub and for some reason doing something stupid made me happy
- i really want some grapes and some watermelon idk
- i need to be healthy and excercise more so i feel cleaner and sadder//better
-i must be the only person in the world that is happier being sad
-i wish my hair was fucking lavender already
-i go to europe in like 25 days and im scared of my best friend and everyone finding other people they like more than me while im gone
-i wish i'd not had yoghurt this morning, i really do
-my old best friend slept with his ex gf tonight. why why why
-twitter has automatically updated to the new version ew
-im going to bed because i'm tired and there are actual rings under my eyes sigh
-i really fucking crave grapes or grapefruit omg

07/08/11

what the actual fuck is wrong with me. I managed to screw up the two good things i have going for me both in one night. I feel like the world is moving around me, spinning faster and faster, yet i'm stuck in the same place, immobile. I hate myself and what i've become with this raging passion. I want to dig my nails underneath the skin on my body and just shred it to bits. I don't though. I stay still and i just breathe in and out, over and over. Despite the cold, i have the fan on, so i'm shivering continuously. I don't turn it off though, i do it to myself on purpose. Some kind of fucked up punishment for being the person that i am. Sometimes, if i want to really scare myself, i'll think of before. Of how it used to be. Of how fucking close i was with the two of them and now how many oceans apart we are. It's terrifying. The distance between us. How i'm so far away now, maybe too far away to be saved when everything comes crashing down on me. The fan whirls faster, the rickety sound of the blades become a torturous metronome in my head until all i can feel is the blood whooshing through my veins, pounding beneath my temples and punishing me with every wave of pain. It's like i'm sinking.